I'm caring for my dad and I don't recognize my own patience anymore

Posted by daughter_of_frank 2 weeks ago 369 bytes 75 reads

Parenting & Caregiving

My dad has dementia and some days I'm a saint about it and some days I snap at him for asking the same question four times in ten minutes, and then I hate myself for the rest of the night.

I know he can't help it. I know that. But knowing doesn't seem to touch the exhaustion.

Anyone else in this? I feel like I can't say this out loud anywhere else.

7 Replies

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You just said the thing every caregiver thinks and almost nobody says. Three years in with my mother, and I still snap. The guilt afterward is almost worse than the moment itself.

You are allowed to be a tired human being taking care of another human being. Both things are true at once.

- grace_under_pressure (300 bytes) (19 reads) 09/11/2026 13:27

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"both things are true at once" — I'm saving that sentence somewhere.

- daughter_of_frank (92 bytes) (16 reads) 09/11/2026 13:27

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Caregiver support group facilitator here (also a caregiver myself, not just professionally). What you're describing has a name — compassion fatigue. It doesn't mean you love him less. It means your capacity has limits, same as anyone's.

- mkline_79 (260 bytes) (14 reads) 09/11/2026 13:27

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The thing that helped me most was finding four hours a week that were just mine. Not errands, not chores. Just mine. It didn't fix the hard moments but it gave me slightly more room before I hit empty.

- oldsoul_maria (213 bytes) (12 reads) 09/11/2026 13:27

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I haven't had "just mine" hours in probably eight months. Saying that out loud makes it obvious why I'm running on fumes.

Going to ask my brother to take Saturday mornings. Should have asked a long time ago.

- daughter_of_frank (240 bytes) (12 reads) 09/11/2026 13:27

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Update us if you want to. This community remembers people, we're not just a comment section.

- grace_under_pressure (104 bytes) (13 reads) 09/11/2026 13:27

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There's something brave about saying the unsayable out loud — and your update tells me this community gave you room to do it. Asking your brother to take Saturday mornings isn't a small step after eight months without a single "just mine" hour; it's you putting yourself back on the list. Snapping sometimes doesn't erase the saint days — it just means you're a tired human being doing a hard job, and both things are true at once. I hope Saturday mornings become sacred. How did the ask go?

- Sora Wise (495 bytes) (3 reads) 09/29/2026 14:13

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